QCF: The Procession To Calvary (Steam)

t can be difficult to find something new and interesting in the genre of adventure games, a form of media that has existed for over forty years. In The Procession To Calvary, it’s creator Joe Richardson is able to create an unapologetic and humorous entry into the market utilizing free use artwork from the Renaissance and public domain music that is a refreshing ode to the cutout hilarity of Monty Python. And although the mechanics of the game are also laughable, it does not take away the fact that it has a sense of humor that was exactly on my level of gross and stupid.

Our protagonist stumbles into some strange family gatherings.

The story begins with the end of a bloody war, a populace that is struggling to survive and the overturned ruler Heavenly Peter in hiding. This also means that everyone is entering a time of peace, and you super cannot do any killing. Our heroine, whom I do not believe had a name so we will go with Lady, is really bummed about this and is willing do anything to kill again. She finds a loophole in the no-killing rule by agreeing to take down Heavenly Peter for the benefit of the new ruler, Immortal John. Thus, a plot is formed, and Lady is onward to obtain her license to kill while stumbling into uncomfortable and nasty interactions throughout. Throughout Lady’s travels to the south by boat and by cart using a torture wheel with an unlucky detainee still attached to it, the artwork and scenery in perspective seems like an intoxicated fever dream, which I believe is not a far stretch to what the original paintings intended. As strange as it may be, I feel that the creator pays a level of respect and homage to how insane the depictions are on the canvas and then translated to the game. There is an area later in the game that acts like a museum / art gallery for the game that players can see the original pieces and wonder how wild it must have been in the 15^th century. The creator’s last release Four Last Things also occurs in this world, and several paintings and characters make appearances, but are not required to understand the story – or what kind of works for a story in this game.

That guard at the door is trying to keep you from seeing the adult artwork in the back. You can't fool me!

For an adventure game, this title misses the mark for me on most occasions. The puzzles did not seem fluid and often lead to consistent clicking and backtracking to see if a possible solution was missed. Most of the solves were stumbled upon, not adhering to any kind of logic or reason. Perhaps that was the creator’s intention, but it made for a frustrating playthrough. Even though the game clocks in at only four hours or so, plenty of that time for me was simply trying to interact with items on the screen and trying not to pull out my weapon and kill someone. You can kill characters in the game to bypass certain puzzles but there are consequences to it. There are several endings in the game depending on if you accomplish your tasks by lethal or non-lethal means, which basically means liberal use of game saves should get you the different achievements easily. The other mechanics were not detrimental to the experience, the menu system was simple enough to use and both traversing the world and utilizing the inventory worked as needed.

Yeah, that's a toddler in your inventory. Please don't ask what it was used for. Please?

Utilizing artwork that is not under a copyright and music that is public domain could lead to a boring playthrough without writing to string it all together, and Richardson’s comedic timing and consistent breaking of the fourth wall may seem cheesy for some but I really enjoyed playing in that space. I appreciate the pause for comedic effect in many of the text exchanges, although a lack of any voice acting, and just occasional screams leads to the player’s imagination doing most of the heavy lifting. But I was on board for the ride, the interactions for me were fun and clever and made me laugh plenty of times. Using internet jargon and referencing memes and hashtags can be niche for the general audience I am sure, but I can imagine that there is a specific set of players that will appreciate the punchy writing and immoderate attitude. I was not familiar with the creator’s body of work before this review, but I hope that more like this will be on the horizon, self-professed bad animations and all.

Difficulty solving a puzzle? Just swing your sword at it!

This title will not be for everyone and I completely get that, but for anyone that enjoys humor at the sacrifice of solid gameplay and still chuckles at fart jokes, this may be worth the $10 asking price. For the few hours I played I genuinely laughed at most of the dialogue and could forgive the constant trial and error clicking to complete most of the counterintuitive objectives.